Her Hidden Smile
by Feeling-Grand
Summary: Roxanne has always been a secretive girl. No one could read what would go through her head. Nor would they want to for she has a problem. A problem that she has to keep hidden. Schizophrenia.


Urgh…. Urgh…

It hurt me, a little.

I had never done that before.

Masturbated,

Why? Because I just wanted to know what it was like to have someone in me, even if it was myself.

I'm the quiet girl at school, sure I get noticed but I try to hide. I don't have many friends besides my close one Stacey. She always knows what's best for me. I trust her with my life.

I only trust Stacey, that's why I stick by her side whenever possible. When I'm not by her side I put on a brave face and act like I've got everything under control, like I can own myself. But really, I'm just scared.

Today's my last day in High school for the summer, I'm sixteen and I'm keeping to myself as I always do. I walk down the street, a smile plastered on my face as I hear people sing around me.

Oh, almost forgot to go to the locker to get my books. I head past the football field when a boy smashes onto the ground in front of me and I freeze in that instinct.

What to do, time is ticking that millisecond as I hear people laughing at him so I run over to help him up,

"Are you okay?" I asked, being as brave as can be, I rarely if ever have spoken to a boy before.

"Yeah yeah," he says dishonoured, "I'm okay,"

When he looks up at me he literally seems to freeze and I look at him confused.

"I da ah um…" he mumbles like a buffoon. I had never seen someone get as nervous as me before and I start to giggle, I couldn't help myself. He was so adorkable.

Suddenly the stuttering stops as he laughs a "He yuk!" and runs away, smashing into a bin as he does.

I watch him go, feeling sad as that there was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard a boy make. And now he's gone.

I roll my foot on the ground and continue on my way to get my books and prepare to pack away all my stuff for the year is finally over and I can be on my own… again.

I like spending time on my own and with my friend Stacey, but that boy, he was beautiful. Now I feel down beat and alone and cold and I just want someone to hug yet I am all alone… forever.

"I knew I'd find you here."

Stacey comes up to me with some confidence as she sees me heading out to the assembly, "Remember to just keep your eyes on me and no one will bother you, I'm telling you I know what I'm doing."

"I know you are, Stacey." I say with a small sad smile, hidden with shame of my family life that no one knows about besides Stacey.

"One day, Roxanne, just trust me," she says as she puts her arm around my shoulder, "I'm going to announce a party at my house and everyone will be there and we'll be able to find you a boyfriend."

"I don't know." I say biting my lip, I wouldn't want to impose on a boy… my father has always told me what they want.

'_Sex.'_

_He would gruff down and mother would nod in agreement. "No boy is going to be getting sex off of my little bitch."_

"_But Daddy!" I whine_, "_I'm not afraid of sex..." _I mutter under my breath.

That's why I had started masturbating a year ago, so when the time came I wouldn't mess up but also because there is something wrong with me.

I have a problem, one that controls me and keeps me quiet.

Schizophrenia.

Every night I have nightmares,,, of dying alone, of being raped, of the voices, the paranoia.

I don't trust many people, just my father and Stacey and my mother.

Stacey was there for my first breakdown at fourteen.

I was running around nude, biting people like I had rabies and doing what the voices told me.

I had been admitted to a psychiatric ward and spent six weeks there. They got me on the right medication but the thoughts were the worse.

As I walked into the assembly room a voice said,

_Kill her_

"Leave me alone…" I say quietly, I see blood on my fingers… I know it's not really there but as I enter the dark room I feel like I've been locked up in a cave, with a knife on my mind of killing everybody there.

"I don't want that," I say in my mind,

_You hate them all!_

_No, _I mutter, _No I swear I don't!_

I find a seat near the front of the assembly, so I can see my friend Stacey clearly. She's popular and a geek, she just knows it all.

And she knows how to keep a secret.

"As student body president, I just want to say yay to everybody for a really great year."

Everyone is cheering as she speaks, she's popular and knows how to keep me safe,

"And also that I hope you can all attend mytotally amazing end of school party to watch powerline on paper review."

She waves to the crowd as she gets of stage and the principal comes on. Stacey sits beside me and smiles at me with a wink.

I like the principal, that's why I always smile at him. He knows about my problems and he knows I find things hard. Sometimes I don't know if what I see or hear is real or not. I just got to keep on praying for sanity, for a cure.

"Say Roxanne," Ben behind me says my name and I listen, "About Stacey's party,"

Suddenly a giant sheet of paper climbs up the stage and the principal looks at it shocked. A trap door is opened beneath him and he falls in, as that teenage boy from earlier appears on screen and my eyes light up.

"Please tell me this is real, please…" I beg in my head as suddenly he smashes through the paper and onto stage, everyone cheering him except me… afraid if I clap I may hurt someone but my fingers are twirling through my hair madly in hot desire. Stacey sees.

The boy sees me but and comes walking over to me in a moon dance, my heart is pounding, sending out a message of him

HIM

HIM

HIM

His face get's really close to mine now and I move back with a small smile as suddenly he lifts off the ground and does a basketball shoot as if he could fly.

I'm amazed, I'm in love… I don't want to hurt him I want to love him and as his hand reaches for mine he flies suddenly off and hits the principal,

I feel like there's a heavy lump in my throat. Like this is the end and the boy will be expelled and I'll never get to hear him sing or laugh or mumble again.

_Give up Roxanne… he's popular now and doesn't want you_.

"Roxanne," Stacey says as she pokes me and gets me to stop listening to that voice, "I saw you liked that boy."

"I don't…" I mumble as I get up out of the assembly and Stacey follows me, smiling as she waves to people as she goes away with the most secretive girl in the school.

"Then why were you twirling your hair so seductively." Stacey asks me and I shy away, blushing almost as I said.

"Was I having a hallucination, it all just happened so fast."

"No Roxanne," Stacey says and assures me, "That was real…"

"It's too much… sex is, sex is."

"Boys are friendly Roxanne," Stacey tries to tell me but I won't listen.

"You've always trusted me right?" Stacey asks and I nod, "Then go to the principal and tell him you're scared of what you saw."

"Alright…" I whisper and I follow her to the principal's office. Stacey starts chatting away at a hundred miles an hour as I collect my books and walk that direction but as she signs out some paper I spot that boy and can't help but keep looking at him, not knowing I'm giving the hidden smile.

"Roxanne, are you listening?"

Stacey sees what I'm looking at and gets an idea. She suddenly shoves me towards him and I freeze muttering,

"Stacey, I don't know what to-"

"Talk to him."

"Uh um um," I say clearing my throat in terror, I repeat the inaudible murmurs and give her a sign of no clue.

"Tap him!" She whispers as an order and I reach over my forefinger gently to tap his shoulder. He jumps making me freak and drop my books.

We both smile nervous but relieved. I quickly believe he doesn't want to know me so drop to the ground and pick up my things. I can feel someone else picking up my stuff too as I hear his lovely voice say,

"Gosh I'm sorry,"

"It's okay…" I say, as cooly as I can… he's not laughing at me or anything, when people laugh I think they are laughing at how ugly I am but when he had laughed just that once, it made me at peace.

Suddenly our hands touch and I look at him shyly, as I say nervously,

"Um, I liked your dance."

He blinks and says "Yeah? Yeah? It's from Powerlines new video."

"Yeah he's totally a genius."

"Yeah, he's doing a concert next week in LA."

"Yeah, Stacey's showing it at her party."

"Yeah,"

"Yeah."

We both take a breather, I'm out of words to say, I just hope he says something as I look away nervous, though my hidden eyes always just show a cold girl, a girl who's collected… and that's all he sees.

"Uh Roxanne," he suddenly says and I look up at him listening "I was sorta wondering if I could *cough* ask you to go with me to the party that is."

Before I can say yes he says,

"Of course if you don't want to I completely understand."

"Well, I was sorta kinda thinking that," I'm just making these words up nearly saying _I love you _but stop myself and say "I'd love too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah,"

"Good," he says in a nervous but happy tone,

"Great." I say as loud as him so he could see I was trying to give him a warning… he doesn't fully understand the type of girl he's going to get involved with.

"Terrific,"

"Wonderful,

"Alright,"

"Come on Roxanne, we don't want to belittle the moment do we?" Stacey says as she grabs my arms to lead me out. I don't want to leave him but I always trust my best friend and say,

"I better be going,"

"I'll call you later," he says cooler pointing his finger at me as if shooting down a target he thought impossible.

"Okay," I say as I bump into the side of the wall behind me nervous, "Bye." I hit it again and mumble, "Bye,"

"See," Stacey says to me as we walk down the hall "I told you men were easy to deal with."

"You know…" I say quietly and she listens, "I want him to be the one."

Stacey opens her mouth wide, "Roxanne, you barely even know the boy."

"I know him enough to know that I want him forever."

"Okay, I have to make a quick phone call." Stacey says as she pulls out her phone and goes off to the side to ring someone.

I just keep walking around dazed, that hidden smile on my face that no one could wipe off.

People smile back and I just look straight ahead, I can't face people in the eyes, I just can't. Only people I trust and I trust him now.

"That guy Max Goof was incredible."

I hear some girl say and I mumble past her repeating, "Yeah,"

"He is so cool…"

"Yeah," I say again as I keep floating on air as I walk onwards to my next class and Stacey quickly catches up with me.

"Roxanne, I told you not to wander off without me."

"Sorry,"

"So anyway, I rang your parents."

"What?" I say, suddenly my attention coming back down to the only reality I know, "You rang them, why?"

"Because you were getting ahead of yourself, like usual. You have to be careful Roxanne, we do not want another-" she looks around before she says the word "-breakdown."

"I know…" I mumble, kicking a piece of rubbish with my feet, and I know no matter how much the voices tell me to kill her right then I have to always know that I would never hurt anyone.

"So you'll be seeing your psychologist this afternoon."

"Yes."

"Good."

I sigh… I will always need help.

Always.


End file.
